I don't know anymore

I feel like such an ingrate right now
i am slowly on my way to becoming an expert in my particular field
but
i just don't know...
family, friends, and coworkers tell me i am making a difference
but i am not so sure,
especially when i think about all the encounters i have had
with incompetent or discriminating judges...
with overbearing opposing parties...
cutthroat colleagues...
and my clients...
who go against my sound advice, make the situation even worse, and then come back to me thinking i will clean up their messes.

i am not complaining about the amount of work at all.

i'm just tired.
i need a change.

:(

RIP Patrick Swayze

I've been working so much that I only found out now.
I can't even begin to articulate how much I loved his work.
how many times did I reenact that scene from Dirty Dancing...
cry as he said good-bye in Ghost...
quote all the cheesy lines from Roadhouse.

I need a laugh right now. so enjoy.

Patrick Swayze - Chippendale
Uploaded by tressage. -

Oh, this is rich!

Today I got a rejection letter for a job that I didn't even apply to!
wtf, people...wtf

*exhaling*

ok....that was close.
but i feel much better today.
good friends
good conversation
and good flan.
damn that was good
i'm talking eat-every-morsel-lick-every-drop-and-cut-every-bitch-with-a-sideways-stare-who-think-i'm-gonna-share-GOOD

have a picnic and blanket packed.
gonna watch the meteor shower with some friends now...

ARGHH!!

I hate lawyers.
Wait...let me be more specific: i hate two kinds of lawyers.

without breaking my clients' confidences, I will just say there is EVIL in this world.
AND
there is the scum of the fucking earth that represent them.
i hate them....with their toothy grins, the asskissin, and their limp dick handshakes, as well as their oily tactics to intimidate me, frustrate me, and waste my time.
fuck you very much.

i also loathe predatory lawyers -- those who terrorize and victimize potential clients to such an extent that they have them believe they couldn't wipe their own ass without official representation.
i hate them too.

i am full of hate these days, which is exactly why i haven't written much on this blog. i didn't want my bad juju to infect others before the bar.

but i couldn't hold it in much longer.

for a time, i had to drink just to relax.
it started out as a drink after work with colleagues once in awhile. then it grew to a weekly happy hour. before i knew it, i went to happy hours almost everyday.

my shrinking wallet and expanding waistline helped me stop.

but i understand now why our profession has some of the highest rates in depression, substance abuse, and alcoholism.

after one particular grueling day, my coworker looked at me up and down, and said flatly, "You know what you're problem is? You care too much."

maybe...

i don't know...

whenever i get this angry or low, i try to remember my small victory a month ago.
my client cried right in court.
the judge unsuccessfully tried to hide his beaming pride as he read his decision
and i struggled to keep it together when all i really wanted to do was shriek and jump up and down.

because for that moment - i was a part of justice being served.
for that day - the system worked!

and it was fucking awesome.
i felt incredibly light and warm...giddy even

when i was safe and alone in my car, i let myself cry...tears of relief, of joy, or pride.
i just let it flow.

i try really hard to remember that day because i don't want this hate to consume me.
i think i need a break...maybe a day at muir woods or stinsons
i don't know.
i'm rambling now.
thanks for listening.